


davkat 101

by hooded_figure



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, Irony, M/M, Multi, listen i Do Not care
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-25
Updated: 2016-11-14
Packaged: 2018-05-29 02:19:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6354844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hooded_figure/pseuds/hooded_figure
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>basically davekat in a nutshell its good this is not a joke</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. fuc

dave is reallycool, aloof and Never has human feelings also did i mention hes swole, you could hang from his arm like a bat even if hes asking you to stop, youre not getting down from the STEELY MASSES that are the pipes of David Alexandre Strider. Of course, dave is dating the Extreme shy twink and Not Mean Soft-on-the-inside karkat vantas. Dave won over Karkat by being super smooth because he absolutely isnt a dork or a nerd haha that would be ridiculous can you even imagine. So, Daveboy here was sitting on The Couch on the meteor as always like in every canon setting davekat fic. retcon or not? we're spinning to win here kids. Wait, Important Detail I Have Forgotten. Hes making music. because thats what he does with his free time and absolutely does not have any other interests or friends other than Karkat. Rose is somewhere reading, being boring, being disregarded completely by the homestuck fandom along with her CANON LESBIAN GIRLFRIEND Ckanoe VirginMary or something. who cares? Karkat enters The room. that room and karkats/daves rooms are the only rooms on the meteor. there are no transport pads, random hallways or countless places to get lost into. "HEY FUCKING FUCK FUCKASS FUCK F HOW ARE YOU BITCH" karkat says. "woah there bropal amigo brochacho buddy friendo lets all just chill or somthing" dave replies, slouching down into the floor, hes slouchin, oh boy he slouches so bad. does he have a spine. does he. apparently not. he keeps slouching. "OH MY GOD IN THE GOD STRIDER LETS WATCH A ROMCOM AND FUCK MAYBE EVENTURALLY IM BORED FUCKASS" karkat rolls his eyes like ten times "o k a y c o o l " dave is still slouching.

movie time 

 

 

psyche

 

they fuck

 

uh karkat is a twink so hes tiny and has like no musclage what soever despite being a troll that strifes frequently and has spent months on a planet fighting shit. the average twinky fuck of Shit.

 

rose walks in and says bullshit no one actually cares about end of chapter one thank you goodbye


	2. davekat? not only angst?? more likely than you think

so as mentionned before in this wonderful piece of fictional literature, rose has strutted the Fuck into the main room of the meteor. which for some reason has no other furniture than The FuckCouch where no one other than striderson and vanity ass hang out. rose is saying things. "davidinson i have arrived over hereth to speaketh to thine brother. youhave being Doing x thing and i am reprimanding you and acting like your mother because Apparently you are a smug and irresponsible slouch who has no sense of selflessness but that isnt my call."  
"ughhhhhhhhh rooooseeeeeee bromigaaaa just chilllllll and bang out the tunezzz yooo" dave slouch count is at two hours now. 

he can fuck while slouching and personally thats the honest to god epitome of being a complete and total Cool motherfucker.

anyway for the sake of this very meaningful exchange between dave and his ecto sister karkat has fucked off Somewjere on the meteor, probably to antagonize gamzee or something. because thats always a game changer in dave and karkats dynamics. of course gamzee is bad but no one really takes in account that its because he killed people and manipulated.....what was her name again? the one who likes red? teresa?? who even knows at this point. mostly people just assume jamzee messed with karkats Feelings and dave is Anger because of that.

dave listens to rose and feels a bone in his spine starting to combust due to his unecessary slouching but thats not relevant to the plot right now.

rose is speaking

 

 

shes still speaking

 

 

 

 

 

 

her interacting with dave is a thing thats happening right now

 

 

 

 

okay now that youve scrolled pretty quickly through roses appearance in a davekat fic like 90% of davekat shippers do, youve come to a point wjere youre like hey. why so much salt

i will bathe in salt for the rest of my life do not comment on my life choices

 

bonus tips & tricks from dawid:  
dont get distracted when you do your eyebrows becausr i went out with only one eyebrow done today dont be like me kids end of chapter two good nite


	3. how many chapters can i shit out in a day: the movie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> theres a quote its "dave dimmadone" and i gotta credit my bromeo daniel B) by the way dan youre a furry im buying you cat ears minus the tail plug because no homo

alright there wasnt really a pov nor will there ever be one youre stuck with me kids but for the sake of making this ~somewhat interesting~ we are moving to johnny boy, our windy man. the man of gusts of air.

hes sitting in his house on a miniature planet in a spaceboat zooming the fuck through the in betweens of paradox space, going from universe B to universe A, a setting close to unknown in davekat fics. im breaking a boundary here folks, im making history, so stick with me. becausre we are speaking about characters other than the striders, the lalondes, karkat and kanaya in this davekat fic, im upping the ante a bit, im taking a risk.

so john here is probably doing something useless like watching con air or playing an mmorpg with a furry avatar, but, spoilers, no one really cares. also since this isnt a johndave fic, hes not a total innocent twink with no notion of sarcasm or humor. i might even try to characterize him decently. i might even break the very Foundations of a davekat fic and shoot this motherfucker through space. who even knows? not me thats for sure. 

now the reason this fic has the tag john/john is because hes currently jacking off. he is seizing his dick like one would seize the day, were truly in a display of teenage hormones and awkward silence. guys am i doing too far becausr i havent spoken about dave dimmadones massive cock or karkats horns being fucked because i honestly feel like i am. oh well.

sojohn eventually finishes beating his meat and he just takes a nap. hes on a boat for three years what else are you gonna do. be productive?? fuck you. so right now hes just zapped into a dream bubble and he lays his shitty low quality spectacled eyes on a fishgirl. we know her as meenah but john doesnt. hes like "wait what is she doing with all those photos and glitter" god, john shes blingeeing the shit out of them. havent you heard of style?? probably not i mean you wear those godawful pajanimas.

ANYWAY. cliffhangue. we are leaving these two suspended in time until the narrative switches back to them. it could be never.

alright so i made a code on a dice and its as follows  
1: dave  
2: karkat  
3: rose  
4: kanaya  
5: terezi  
6: john

so in this very moment im shuffling the fuck out of this dice, and it is stopping on............4

kanaya it is. so, currently, were going to give kanaya something called a personality, which is close to impossible since she has No Feelings, No sense of humor, no use of sarcasm and of course, no imperfections, am i right? so right now shes alchemizing a bunch of shit. and by a bunch of shit i mean a fuckton of shit. thats a lot of shit kanny. shes been a bit bothered recently by vriskas prensence (we spun and we won kids, its retcon time) since she had mega gay feelings for her that were barely reciprocated in a way that could be expressed by "oh man that really fucking sucks" yes it does, dear reader. yes it does. kanaya has been alchemizing the awkward away. well, more precisely shes been alchemizing one object in a certain category then learning how to duplicate it manually. shes gotten into tapestry making and i think thats a beautiful way to spend your teenage crisis years. she currently is preoccupied by a few things: karkats distant behaviour, vriska somehow making things right as if she knew what was going to happen and fridge troll. fridge troll kinda had it coming, i mean the rest of the squad members who went on murder sprees were killed. except vriska. she lives in this timeline and fixes things. 

gamzee discourse over.

kanaya is sewing a new tapestry and it personally looks awesome. shes on eastern european tradition right now but shes getting there, slowly but surely. suddenly karkat busts the fuck into her calming zone and disturbs the chill vibe but whatever. "hey kanaya wheres terezi i cant fucking find her and this place is disgustingly hard to navigate in its like attempting to decipher whatever the fuck dave says at any moment and id rather fuck myself with something sharp and rusty." wait. wait is he asking about terezi??? in a davekat fic??? fucking incredible. "oh let me just pull her out of under the table how does that sound. ive been here all day why not just yell something about the number eight and vriska will probably lead you to her. how are you by the way" she might have sounded rude to yall but her tone was pretty calm. "im fucking way good kanaya" whatever the hell that meant, he left with the translation. 

kanaya really likes how this tapestry is turning out and she wonders if rose will like it. she hopes she will, shes planning on offering it to her for "christmas" or twelfth perigee listen im no expert, but that sounds pretty gay to me.

speaking of rose, where is she? we know where she is but kanaya doesnt. check out a sick show its called wizards of aus and its terrible you can watch it on youtube end of chapter three

bonus:  
kanaya is literally the only character im giving somewhat depth to in this fic. i probably botched the shit out of her and i will check references because she quite possibly is the best character in homestuck. anyway ciao kids.


	4. go watch zootopia please i made a fursona his name is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> go watch it

somehow we are now in the presence of The Condesce, Her Imperious Condescension, Fish Bitch, The Swag Tuna, The Blingee Shark, The Lesbian Mermaid, whatever you wanna call her. Shes sleeping so make less noise while you bust a nut thanks. or make as much noise as possible , as far as im concerned its not my neighbors. haha anyway the condense is napping and im just gonna monologue the absolute living shit outta yall while Double Royalty Salmon here gets her beauty sleep. so what exactly am i doing with this skill, this power, this amazingly useless addition to my knowledge baggage that i call writing mostly gay fan fiction at 2 am while listening to shitty dub step electropop. well ill tell you once i know, once im informed in any way, because right about now,

i have No Fucking idea what im doing.

time for the dice of truth  
1:john and meenah in the dream bubble  
2: karkat looking for terezi  
3: vriska  
4: kanaya being a sweetheart  
5: dave (slouch count is at 5 hours) and rose chatting  
6: The Condesce Napping and More heartfelt monologue from Yours Truly

its being shaken.....and........................3  
the vrisker it is.

vriska is standing near one of those lusi test tube things, next to fridge troll. the troll in the fridge. speaking of him, what the fuck is gonna happen with him in the upd8 i hope nothing bad because homestuck needs a good ending its been 84 years.

ANYWAY

virska is standing majestically because this what she does, the badass she is, of course let us not forget how she Never interacts with Dave or karkat whatsoever that would be absolutely ridiculous. shes no longer standing she's braiding terezis hair and talking about a dumb fucking plan that saved everyones lives but no one actually cares. terezi is amazing and beautiful and the light of my life. 

that's it end of homestuck.

 

PSYCHE

 

shes still amazing but since this is the davekat fandom she must either have a complicated red situation with either Dave or karkat of course!!!! she isnt Ever allowed to be happy. highly illegal. moving on to other things, i want to delve pleasurably into the chaotic mess that is analyzing the dynamics of clubs deuce and latula pyrope. why? well, anything can happen here. i am in control of this universe and i can make anything happen, including an immense orgy that involves only and ONLY clones of meenah peixes. its something she would do and denying it would be a bigger lie than calling me an american history connoisseur. so, clubs deuce is, personally, my fucking boyfriend, our ship name is clubs dave and our theme song is run away with me by carly rae jepsen. goddamn i love that song. in this fic, clubs deuce is absolutely jacked and 6'4. he also drives a firetruck red ferrari. im wearing fancy red lingerie and heart shaped sunglasses, sitting in the passenger seat, taking a long drag from a rose-scented vape pen while lana del rey is blasting on the car speakers. clubs deuce isnt holding the steering wheel hes just making it rain with all the fucking cash he possesses. did i mention that im wearing manolo blahnik heels because thats absolutely a thing thats happening right now. wait. latula? forget latula there is only me and clubs deuce now. we are making out passionately. its beautiful and vin diesel just shed the most beautiful of tears. goddamn vinnie you know how to set a mood. We are in love and he gets down on one knee while driving the ferrari because he is just That Fucking Awesome. he proposes. we get married and our honeymoon is spent by blasting "girls just wanna have fun" by cindi lauper and winning at life. my city now bitches

thank you and good fucking night i have to finish a comic about god herself and baruch spinoza having a rap battle for my ethics class end of chapter 4


	5. im Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dedicated to TransgenderSollux  
> the events of this chapter happen a few hours before the first chapter started

your names terezi. you find the chalk. you eat the chalk. you fuck the bitchez. its a typical day for you and your companion called Ultimate Swagitude. if it wasnt clear that companion (Ultimate Swagitude) is part of you. you are the Ultimate Swagitude. or rather ULT1M4T3 SW4G1TUD3. who knows. youre just soending your days on the meteor basically rotting away with your best friend slash girl friend vriska no homo. you suddenly spot rose and kanaya sneaking around and your only thought is "wow thats pretty darn gay"

because it is

shit guys i havent spoken a word about dave or karkat in this chapter and im afraid i might get arrested so Dave and Karkat Are Gay And Doing Gay Stuff Aha Please Dont Hurt Me. there you go

anyway right now you just want something interesting to happen so that you can investigate and hopefully falsely accuse someone to watch all light escape their pitiful eyes as you declare them GU1LTY and eventually hang them. youre kidding. suddenly you hear a faint beat come from daves block and its not the usual music its more like....

 

 

 

Ma-ia-hii Ma-ia-huu Ma-ia-hoo Ma-ia-haha Ma-ia-hii Ma-ia-huu Ma-ia-hoo Ma-ia-haha Alo, Salut, sunt eu, un haiduc, Si te rog, iubirea mea, primeste fericirea. Alo, alo, sunt eu Picasso, Ti-am dat beep, si sunt voinic, Dar sa stii nu-ti cer nimic. Vrei sa pleci dar nu ma, nu ma iei, Nu ma, nu ma iei, nu ma, nu ma, nu ma iei. Chipul tau si dragostea din tei, Mi-amintesc de ochii tai. Vrei sa pleci dar nu ma, nu ma iei, Nu ma, nu ma iei, nu ma, nu ma, nu ma iei. Chipul tau si dragostea din tei, Mi-amintesc de ochii tai. Te sun, sa-ti spun, ce simt acum, Alo, iubirea mea, sunt eu, fericirea. Alo, alo, sunt iarasi eu, Picasso, Ti-am dat beep, si sunt voinic, Dar sa stii nu-ti cer nimic. Vrei sa pleci dar nu ma, nu ma iei, Nu ma, nu ma iei, nu ma, nu ma, nu ma iei. Chipul tau si dragostea din tei, Mi-amintesc de ochii tai. Vrei sa pleci dar nu ma, nu ma iei, Nu ma, nu ma iei, nu ma, nu ma, nu ma iei. Chipul tau si dragostea din tei, Mi-amintesc de ochii tai. Ma-ia-hii Ma-ia-huu Ma-ia-hoo Ma-ia-haha Ma-ia-hii Ma-ia-huu Ma-ia-hoo Ma-ia-haha Ma-ia-hii Ma-ia-huu Ma-ia-hoo Ma-ia-haha Ma-ia-hii Ma-ia-huu Ma-ia-hoo Ma-ia-haha Vrei sa pleci dar nu ma, nu ma iei, Nu ma, nu ma iei, nu ma, nu ma, nu ma iei. Chipul tau si dragostea din tei, Mi-amintesc de ochii tai. Vrei sa pleci dar nu ma, nu ma iei, Nu ma, nu ma iei, nu ma, nu ma, nu ma iei. Chipul tau si dragostea din tei, Mi-amintesc de ochii tai.

 

 

thank u and gud night im very tired


	6. the end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> homestuck is fucking dead

 goodbye yung ones

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in all my years in the homestuck fandom, ive had lots of fun and developed my skills in art, writing and music a lot, thanks to this webcomic. ive grown a lot as a person since the inception of this mass of symbols and humor that others are supposed to understand through a wonder called communication, and ive drifted fairly far from homestuck itself, but i remain the same little awkward sweaty preteen boy who started reading homestuck on a disgustingly hot summer evening. i cant say that this was a good end, a bad end, a bitter end or a sweet end, because endings simply dont exist. homestuck came and went but never died. hiveswap is proof of that. thank you adrew hussie, for this fantastic adventure youve taken me and many other people on. sorry about the fandom. see you guys on the flip side!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Rosemary 101](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6438625) by [OrochiSlayer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/OrochiSlayer/pseuds/OrochiSlayer)




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